Another Chance.

So I got what I wanted...Another chance at beating Sonoma State. When I read that email, i was so exstatic that it had happened....its basically what i had been hoping for. I didn't think we'd see them again until conference championships, and i did NOT want to wait that long. My adrenaline has been pumping and i'm ready for it again...and i want it even more this time. I want this win. I want to play so hard that i can bearly breathe after the game. my mindset is success...and the only way that success will be fulfilled is with a win...failure is not an option at this point....yea i'm getting intense but its gonna take some intensity to kill these girls. Lets do it.

So this past week i've been sick, and whenever i'm sick, it makes me miss home so much. I miss my mom and my dad being there to take care of me and giving me hugs and making me feel better. its not so much even the things that they do, its just the environment that they create, its so soothing and relaxing and it can't help but make someone feel better. Talking to them on the phone helps a little bit, but it will never be the same as being there with them. I love my family so much and i miss them a lot....im glad i get to see them again soon.

Isn't it crazy how a person can randomly pop back into your life and have a huge effect on it? I hadn't talked to this homeboy from high school in about a year, and then he found me on facebook/myspace, and we started talking. We exchanged numbers and ended up texting back and forth for about 4 hours. Crazy right? and it was just bland conversation, it was good catching up and good talk conversation. I never realized how much I missed him until i started talking to him again, and i think i'm really excited that he's back in my life. Its gonna be fun!

Me and Drew started our "deep thought notebooks". I know riles knows what im talking about, but for you others, me and drew had a really good talk about a week ago, and it was just a deep talk, and we decided that we were going to get notebooks and keep them with us, and whenever we have a good thought, we're going to write it down. Our goal eventually is to put all these thoughts into a book. The book will be called "Life" by Kellie Koorndyk and Andrew Castro....its going to be a best seller. We're going to go on tour with it, and luda will perform at bookstores across the country to help us promote it. haha. but on the real, i guess its kind of like this blogging thing somewhat right? its kind of like a way to express and reflect on things that are in our heads. I think its gonna be fun. Oh...ps. we decorated them, mine has tupac and t.i. on it...his has a beach...thats quite comical. hahaha.

Well this has been a random all over the place blog, but its been good. Love you girls!! :)

Deuces.

"If hard work pays off then easy work is worthless." -Nelly "Heart of a Champion"

You Gotta Keep Ya Head Up

This week has been hard. There has been a lot on my plate and a lot to deal with. A lot of trust betrayed and webs of lies being weaved. As far as water polo goes, there is a handful of girls that i truly feel like they care about what happens, and it bothers me. I don't think that the majority of my teammates think about a game in advance or let anything soak in after it. Sonoma was a hard loss for me and it's still in my head, and after that game i feel as though some girls just didn't get it. We gotta figure out how to win the big games and we gotta figure out how to be consistent. we can't have this rollercoaster of up and down, and i don't put this all on my teammates. Our coaches have to figure out how to not kill momentum and how to let the bet team play and work itself out of funks. I'm just focusing on this weekend, its a good one, i wanna do well and put some wins on the board for my girls.

As far as personal goes, i feel betrayed. I have never felt this before, i've been stabbed in the back but i've always felt like in time, that person has approached me, had enough respect for me to tell me that they fucked up. Maybe i'm not friends with them, but we ended our ties on good terms. I have a hard time when I know what someone is doing behind my back and then to my face they act like we are best friends. when you are paranoid about me being mad or why things are akward, then you KNOW that you've done something wrong, if you were innocent you'd have no reaason to worry. I'm so done trying to make a friendship work when the other person could give a fuck about me, the other person has no problem screwing me over time and time and time again.

I know i'm not the only one going through this and not the only one feeling this way but yea....we jsut gotta push through it and know that we will always have each others backs. I know who my good friends are at this point in my life and i love them and i will always have their backs and i will always do anything for them. Maybe i'm reading into this too much and maybe i'm making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be, and if thats the case then i'm sorry, but its jsut buggin the hell outta me.

I love my girls.

"oooh child things will get easier....ooooh child things will get brighter! Keep ya head up..." -Tupac

Deuces.

I'm quiet...deal with it.

so its been awhile and damn has a lot gone down! ha. first of all...a win is a win regardless of how ugly it is right? Should someone who is supposed to be the leader be able to take that away from the team? No...i don't think they should, and i think it comes down to the team not allowing that win to be taken away from them. We had a sloppy win against UoP this past weekend, but it was a win nonetheless. In a way, isn't it kind of positive?? Isn't it kind of comforting to know that we can be exhausted and play sloppy and not our best, but still pull out the win?? That makes me excited to see what we can do when we play at our best.

Also, I have been constantly picked on this past week about not speaking up enough and not being vocal enough. I am a quiet person by nature, i would rather lead by example instead of talking at people and telling them what to do. ANYONE can tell someone what to do. I feel like i knew where i stood and this past week has made me question that...although i got lost in it for a minute, i know where i stand and i know what my role is. I'm quiet, i will talk when i need to, and i will be the first one to pick someone up when they are down....i think thats respectable.

This is a big weekend coming up, and it means a lot ot me than i think most of the team knows. It kind of gets down to being personal....i dont just want to beat Sonoma...i need to beat sonoma...its just something within me that has a pure drive to want to be victorious over them. I've been preparing for this game for 2 days now...listening to my jams and just gettin in the zone...i'm ready to take them down.

"And i dont quit....if you ain't notice yet" -T.I.

Deuces.

Tupac is just so lyrical....

so my friends have been gettin deep lately n relatin it to music....so im gonna jump in on that a little bit. Basically, songs do define the mood...for example, if im feelin kind of pissed off or angry, i'm gonna listen to DMX cuz he just kind of yells at me in his music (but in a good way). if im feelin a little down or feelin a little emotional, i'll but on some slow jamz or some kanye, but what i've noticed over the past couple years is that no matter what kind of mood i'm in, Tupac can always match it. the phrase "Tupac is just so lyrical...it's like he speeeaks to me" is a phrase that came out when i was a little intoxicated, but its a true fact. He doesn't just rap random nonsense, he is constantly telling a story, he is talking about his life. Everything from Never Had A Friend Like me to Hail Mary to To Live and Die in L.A. to Thugs Mansion....it always works. Lately i've noticed that T.I. has had the same effect on me...is T.I. becoming the new Tupac (obviously no one can match Tupac...but as far as being able to match my mood with his music). Maybe? It seems like he has a song for every mood...Better Day to No Matter What to Bring Em Out to On Top Of The World...it jsut always works.

Music can make or break a day. Those days when you are just lookin thru your ipod at 300 different songs and nothing seeems to fit, those days always seem to be bad days, just days where nothin. If you're having one of those days, i suggest you listen to a little Tupac...it can really make the day better. Thats what i've come to see. And if you don't have any Tupac in your musical collection, just let me know n i'll hook u up with a few of my fav jams.

"I'm down for you so ride wit me, my enemies yo enemies, cuz you ain't never had a friend like me."

Deuces Out.

The good people I have in my life def. outweight the shady ones...

So i woke up today in a really weird mood, it was a mood of reflection n of tryin to figure out who i can really depend on when i need someone. Maybe i give my trust up a little to easily? maybe i confide in people a little too quickly...i dont know...ive been betrayed more than once, but then there is the handful of people that have always had my back n can always make me smile no matter what. some of these peope have been around for awhile n some of them are really new in my life...but they all have my back n they all have been there when i needed them.

The handful of polo girls that i do kick it with know more about my life than most other people. they know the goods n the bads n they know who i am n they accept me for that. they know that im a gangsta white girl, i listen to rap, i love tupac, i wear bandanas, i sag my sweats, i carry myself with a certain swag n they know that to an extent its just for fun, but i feel like even if thats how i was 24/7 they still wouldnt care. they have also been there when i have made some not so great decisions in my life, they have been there the mornings after when im like oh fuck, what the hell did i do last night? have they ever once judged me? i dont think they have....cuz they have all been there and they know that i would never judge them either. when stupid guys fuck wit the head, they are always there too...they listen n they give me advice n they listen to me vent regardless of how dumb i sound...there is always one dude who has been there lately that has helped me out a lot n hes been up front with me n straight up honest with me even tho he knows it hurt, n how can u respect someone more than that? this kid is new in my life, but hes like a bro to me n i love him too n i know hes there for me to...i loooove them all for that n i hope that they know im always here for them too n i hope that they all know that. N when it comes to polo, they accept me for that as well, they accept me making mistakes in games and in practices, they know how to pick me up n make me shake ish off.

basically there is this handful of girls in my life that are always there for me, they always have been when i've needed them the most n i know that they always will be for me. basically these girls will outweigh any shady girls in my life, the few girls that have stabbed me in the back n done shady things, they aren't worth it anymore, they arent worth trippin about, ima just worry about these girls that i loooove.

keep ya head up.

"Nothin but peace, love, and street passion....every ghetto needs a Thugs Mansion"

Deuces.

I have this friend named nikki...but i can call her DRE.

So dre told me that this would be a good way for me to vent...as i go through my days, certain people just wanna piss me off...its not fun...n instead of yelling n losin my mind...ima just vent in this ish. Yes...i'm a thug n i will type like i am fo sho!!

Let's start this ish off with people who don't have any self respect. These peope really bug me cuz they are super legit to ur face, but u betta just watch out cuz the second u turn ur back, they will be on it. These people know what they are doin n they kno that it isnt right, but they continue to do it anyway!!!! how can u kno wat u doin is so effed up but continue to do it anyway! does it not phase u that people see u as a joke!? i dont respect anyone who can't respect themselves...plain n simple.
N when u are shady behind mah back...just don't even try anymore homie...just give up!
"If you ain't no ten to me or friend to me...bitch, don't pretend to be."

hey i could go on about the venting for awhile, but we'll leave it at this for now. Basically the cool kids in my life outweight the uncool kids...n when i get to roll wit cool kids like dre, riles badass, jam master j, kt, and alex...life is pretty good.....sooo yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Dueces out.